Aerith Gainsborough (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ancientflower) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
sweetestsurrender2021-10-25 06:59 pm
ancientflower) wrote in sweetestsurrender2021-10-25 06:59 pm
Entry tags:
❀ 1: I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is.
❀ 2: When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
❀ 3: Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
❀ 4: I think I died last night.
❀ 5: in my defence, I did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
❀ 6: At some point I am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
❀ 7: but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
❀ 8: I've already sent good vibes your way… they're coming. there's nothing you can do to stop them
❀ 9 You're just mad because I have donuts and I'm beautiful.
[WILDCARD]
Edited 2021-10-25 19:55 (UTC)
4 I have 2 brain cells and no idea what I'm doing and you're a menace
never_a_memory
2021-10-26 02:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, but you died so long ago. How could you forget the cold steel piercing your flesh, the gasp of your very last breath, and Cloud watching it all happen?
1: Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
2: for my birthday this year i want QUALITY cock, not quantity
3: We’ve gone two rounds already this morning and you're saying that you're ready for a third?
4: Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
5: Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
6: I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
7: You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
8: Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Jiang Cheng's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
9: Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
10: I woke up and he had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my place.
[WILDCARD]
2: for my birthday this year i want QUALITY cock, not quantity
3: We’ve gone two rounds already this morning and you're saying that you're ready for a third?
4: Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
5: Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
6: I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
7: You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
8: Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Jiang Cheng's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
9: Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
10: I woke up and he had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my place.
[WILDCARD]
Edited 2021-10-25 20:08 (UTC)
First and last - accepted. Second and third - declined.
1) “I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If they figure it out, they're worth a shot.❞
2) “but there is something about the way you look at me that says "i want to do dirty dirty things with you." I have no choice but to oblige.❞
3) “I hope you know that by sending me a cat meme you have entered a war for which there is no end in sight.❞
4) “I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.❞
5) “The guy I hooked up with is asleep on our couch. Please don't fuck him.❞
6) “How? Let me elaborate! I got us a cab, dragged you up three flights of stairs, and tucked you into bed with a glass of water and painkillers for the headache I imagine you currently have. You’re welcome.❞
7) “This is the first time I have heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" used in the same sentence.❞
8) “And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.❞
[WILDCARD]
2) “but there is something about the way you look at me that says "i want to do dirty dirty things with you." I have no choice but to oblige.❞
3) “I hope you know that by sending me a cat meme you have entered a war for which there is no end in sight.❞
4) “I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.❞
5) “The guy I hooked up with is asleep on our couch. Please don't fuck him.❞
6) “How? Let me elaborate! I got us a cab, dragged you up three flights of stairs, and tucked you into bed with a glass of water and painkillers for the headache I imagine you currently have. You’re welcome.❞
7) “This is the first time I have heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" used in the same sentence.❞
8) “And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.❞
[WILDCARD]
1) sorry i missed your call - had a wild night that ended up wrecking the bed, the table and my new curtains so yeah...
2) that was obviously his first time talking dirty. he called my dick “pretty”
3) k. so did i kiss you last night? i know that i made out with someone. or a few someones. but i'm pretty sure that i made out with you. was that real life?
4) it's just one of those days where i'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest. thanks for that, by the way.
5) debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of day.
6) i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pineapple, i dont know what happened to you.
7) what. the. fuck. no, you will not spank me.
8) i am looking directly at you. get off the roof.
9) seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
[WILDCARD]
1: ⭒ they just gave me fireworks and firewater. let's make heart attack-inducing magic happen.
2: ⭒ look, i know you're stressed out but making cat noises will not fix the situation.
3: ⭒ We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
4: ⭒ i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
5: ⭒ You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
6: ⭒ He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
7: ⭒ I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
8: ⭒ I thought it was your cat but I was wrong - your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
[WILDCARD]
2: ⭒ look, i know you're stressed out but making cat noises will not fix the situation.
3: ⭒ We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
4: ⭒ i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
5: ⭒ You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
6: ⭒ He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
7: ⭒ I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
8: ⭒ I thought it was your cat but I was wrong - your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
[WILDCARD]
1 ❁ He may be 6'2, but I'm 110 lbs of pure determination.
2 ❁ The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
3 ❁ Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
4 ❁ We’ve gone two rounds already this morning and you're saying that you're ready for a third?
5 ❁ Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
6 ❁ I don't recognize this room, but I do recognize this shirt I've woken up in, because it's yours. Where are you? Is the gathering you invited me to over?
7 ❁ What is the appropriate response if a demon wants to make a blood pact with you?
8 ❁ I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
9 ❁ My house exploded and with it all my stuff went up in smoke.
[WILDCARD]
2 ❁ The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
3 ❁ Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
4 ❁ We’ve gone two rounds already this morning and you're saying that you're ready for a third?
5 ❁ Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
6 ❁ I don't recognize this room, but I do recognize this shirt I've woken up in, because it's yours. Where are you? Is the gathering you invited me to over?
7 ❁ What is the appropriate response if a demon wants to make a blood pact with you?
8 ❁ I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
9 ❁ My house exploded and with it all my stuff went up in smoke.
[WILDCARD]
Which demon are you referring to? [ Who does he need to kill?]
1 ➤ Wait. You like me for my personality?
2 ➤ I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
3 ➤ what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
4 ➤ Yes. With one hundred percent positivity I can say I do not want to see you covered in syrup and waffles.
5 ➤ Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
6 ➤ his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
7 ➤ it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
8 ➤ my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it...
[WILDCARD]
2 ➤ I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
3 ➤ what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
4 ➤ Yes. With one hundred percent positivity I can say I do not want to see you covered in syrup and waffles.
5 ➤ Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
6 ➤ his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
7 ➤ it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
8 ➤ my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it...
[WILDCARD]
1 - The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not fallin for that again"
2 - He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore?
3 - Fakin my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
4 - Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak Japanese
5 - You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
6 - Everythin is scary I hate bein an adult I hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
[WILDCARD]
2 - He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore?
3 - Fakin my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
4 - Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak Japanese
5 - You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
6 - Everythin is scary I hate bein an adult I hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
[WILDCARD]
Edited 2021-10-25 20:49 (UTC)
are you telling me this to get my blessings or just to ask me for advice?
( 1 ) Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
( 2 ) Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
( 3 ) OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
( 4 ) I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
( 5 ) i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
( 6 ) As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply eaten a lot of ketchup.
( 7 ) Guy running next to me at the gym is staring at me. Do you think maybe I should pretend running on the treadmill at max speed is winding me?
( 8 ) Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
( 2 ) Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
( 3 ) OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
( 4 ) I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
( 5 ) i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
( 6 ) As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply eaten a lot of ketchup.
( 7 ) Guy running next to me at the gym is staring at me. Do you think maybe I should pretend running on the treadmill at max speed is winding me?
( 8 ) Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
a:- He may be 6'6, but I'm 110 lbs of pure determination.
b:- I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....
c:- im allowed to say he looks hot in that outfit. we're friends. friends do that.
d:- Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once...
e:- I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
f:- drunk me decided to make three dozen sugar cookies in the shape of dicks. three. dozen. you should come over for cookies.
g:- You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other guy is like awkward elevator music
b:- I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....
c:- im allowed to say he looks hot in that outfit. we're friends. friends do that.
d:- Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once...
e:- I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
f:- drunk me decided to make three dozen sugar cookies in the shape of dicks. three. dozen. you should come over for cookies.
g:- You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other guy is like awkward elevator music
1) I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. I thought you were going to shiver out of your skin.
2) In the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... I'm gonna marry him.
3) The barista from last week asked after you, assuming we were married. My condolences to you, apparent love of my life.
4) Never in my life have I been as excited to nap as I am right now.
5) I'm not sure what you are doing right now, but I know that I don't like it. Whatever you are doing. Just stop. Come here.
6) He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants.
7) So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
1) ...A guy just walked up to me....
drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
2) What is... "dtf"?
3) what - and i cannot stress this enough - the fuck did you do to my apartment.
4) At least life still wants to fuck me.
5) You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the broadsword to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
6) Thanks for the present, but why are the batteries dead already? Did you use this?
7) Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
8) 'You have great lift technique', aka your last words to me before passing out in my arms like a fainting damsel.
(TEXT HIM)
drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
2) What is... "dtf"?
3) what - and i cannot stress this enough - the fuck did you do to my apartment.
4) At least life still wants to fuck me.
5) You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the broadsword to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
6) Thanks for the present, but why are the batteries dead already? Did you use this?
7) Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
8) 'You have great lift technique', aka your last words to me before passing out in my arms like a fainting damsel.
(TEXT HIM)
1 - after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
2 - i want to go to a halloween party but not have to interact with people. just me and the spooky bat decorations.
3 - not thrilled about running for my life this morning. do you realize how sore you left me last night?
4 - yeah... i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. it's odd.
5 - you came down saying you were dressed to impress. you were totally naked.
6 - i just five second ruled a donut i dropped in starbucks and everybodys staring
7 - did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
8 - i literally just want to sleep with you right now. not sex. well maybe. but sleep first.
2 - i want to go to a halloween party but not have to interact with people. just me and the spooky bat decorations.
3 - not thrilled about running for my life this morning. do you realize how sore you left me last night?
4 - yeah... i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. it's odd.
5 - you came down saying you were dressed to impress. you were totally naked.
6 - i just five second ruled a donut i dropped in starbucks and everybodys staring
7 - did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
8 - i literally just want to sleep with you right now. not sex. well maybe. but sleep first.
1: Thank you for bringing me home and putting me in my bed. The pillow fort you built around me is also appreciated.
2: Wait. How did we get engaged last night?
3: As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
4: I really, REALLY like sweet things! You know, like cupcakes, puppies, and you and me cuddling by the fire.
5: Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction?
6: Sorry, dropped my phone and can't find it. I will text you if found.
2: Wait. How did we get engaged last night?
3: As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
4: I really, REALLY like sweet things! You know, like cupcakes, puppies, and you and me cuddling by the fire.
5: Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction?
6: Sorry, dropped my phone and can't find it. I will text you if found.
1. The quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself.
2. He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
3. The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
4. Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it?
5. He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
2. He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
3. The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
4. Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it?
5. He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
1) I aimed for bossy and it came out slutty.
2) My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of friends with benefits?
3) I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober.
4) You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out ‘praise be to the milk gods’ and making people pray to it.
5) Does this mean I have to put on pants now?
6) I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me.
2) My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of friends with benefits?
3) I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober.
4) You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out ‘praise be to the milk gods’ and making people pray to it.
5) Does this mean I have to put on pants now?
6) I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me.
1: I lack the necessary brain functions to be able to properly respond to that...
2: So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
3: WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
4: Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
5: HELL! these taste like death. death and sprinkles
6: Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
2: So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
3: WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
4: Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
5: HELL! these taste like death. death and sprinkles
6: Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
1 ☾ For experimental purposes, I drank the potion. I think I can feel gravity...
2 ☾ failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
3 ☾ hey you conscious yet? keysmash for yes, silence which i will take as tacit compliance to go to breakfast by myself on your dime for no.
4 ☾ Turns out I really like having huge people around to cuddle me and call me precious.
5 ☾ I had a dream I was a fish. Then I woke up and realized I fell asleep in the bathtub.
6 ☾ make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
2 ☾ failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
3 ☾ hey you conscious yet? keysmash for yes, silence which i will take as tacit compliance to go to breakfast by myself on your dime for no.
4 ☾ Turns out I really like having huge people around to cuddle me and call me precious.
5 ☾ I had a dream I was a fish. Then I woke up and realized I fell asleep in the bathtub.
6 ☾ make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
1 💀 so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
2 💀 THIS FUCKING FUCKNUGGET. DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM. I'VE INSULTED THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT.
3 💀 You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
4 💀 ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
5 💀 I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have mimosas!
6 💀 You were like "I don't want to pressure you" and then took your shirt off.
7 💀 IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
2 💀 THIS FUCKING FUCKNUGGET. DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM. I'VE INSULTED THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT.
3 💀 You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
4 💀 ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
5 💀 I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have mimosas!
6 💀 You were like "I don't want to pressure you" and then took your shirt off.
7 💀 IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
1: Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
2: I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
3: I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
4: Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
5: Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
6: I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camouflage to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say "Woahh sorry didn't see you there?"
7: Clothes are such an inconvenience.
2: I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
3: I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
4: Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
5: Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
6: I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camouflage to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say "Woahh sorry didn't see you there?"
7: Clothes are such an inconvenience.
1: I am far too sober to understand you right now. Sorry.
2: I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
3: Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow.
4: Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
5: You're my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
6: ... Whatever.
7: No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
8: I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here.
9: Not sure what YOU heard but- he faceplanted trying to do the 15th push-up.
10: no
yes
who the fuck is this?
2: I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
3: Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow.
4: Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
5: You're my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
6: ... Whatever.
7: No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
8: I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here.
9: Not sure what YOU heard but- he faceplanted trying to do the 15th push-up.
10: no
yes
who the fuck is this?
Really? You don't remember?
You thought someone was laughing at you so you confronted him. Then you got picked up like a toy and dropped on the sidewalk.
It woulda been funny if it wasn't sad.
You thought someone was laughing at you so you confronted him. Then you got picked up like a toy and dropped on the sidewalk.
It woulda been funny if it wasn't sad.
1: I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed. I have never been so turned off by an omelette.
2: They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods.
3: Is it something I am going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
4: Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
5: It took five shots for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after we had sex. The men that like me are supremely unstable.
6: You are the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I am alright.
7: I fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. I think I may be in love.
8: She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbet ice-cream. It was called "lottery fruit".
9: I do not know what the the big deal is - no one ever complained about me being shirtless before.
10: Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
1: i woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue slime!!! wtf?!
2: Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
3: hey, man... you wouldnt happen to know why i woke up wearing a skirt, would you? cause i dont think this is mine
4: Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
5: I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it
6: I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
7: What - and i cannot stress this enough - the fuck did you do to my apartment?!
2: Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
3: hey, man... you wouldnt happen to know why i woke up wearing a skirt, would you? cause i dont think this is mine
4: Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
5: I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it
6: I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
7: What - and i cannot stress this enough - the fuck did you do to my apartment?!
You did. Against a stray cat. You thought you were going to prove human superiority despite your... condition.
Needless to say, you failed.
Needless to say, you failed.
1: That sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat!
2: I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
3: Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
4: It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
5: I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
6: I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
7: Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
2: I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
3: Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
4: It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
5: I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
6: I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
7: Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
1: For some reason he gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing.
2: I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
3: As you were leaving you yelled that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
4: Why did you build a pillow fort in the kitchen?
5: Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
2: I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
3: As you were leaving you yelled that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
4: Why did you build a pillow fort in the kitchen?
5: Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
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